Here’s what I know, today. Leaving a job I hated–after trying so very hard to love it–was something I should have done sooner. For five years, I worked my heart out in the middle of a little island, doing work that felt important at the time. For over two of those years, I had been commuting nearly three hours a day by car, ferry, and, sometimes, bus. It was exhausting and often lonely. The day I left, it wasn’t sadness that overwhelmed me. It was purpose. It felt like I was allowing my gut–the strong compass of me–to call the shots. (Consequently, this same gut had plagued me for months, with hurt and rumbling, anger and cramps. These days, it has quieted its rampage.) The job I left was full of kind, supportive peers. But the job was meant for someone else. The day I left, my world opened up like Spring. Within two weeks, I was hired as a substitute teacher, started receiving offers of temporary assignments from an admin temp agency in Seattle, and was invited to interview for jobs with two other large companies. Within a month, I was interviewing for full-time positions with two different teams at Microsoft. I was offered a position two days later.
While this new momentum has been thrilling, I shouldn’t have been surprised. This is how the universe works for me when I stop spinning, hurrying, struggling, thinking. It puts into place a path, connecting every piece of what I know with what I need. When I stop to notice and embrace this, the wonder of what I have nearly floors me. I’m blessed with a life that continually moves me to a new level of wholeness–spiritually, mentally, physically. But in long stretches of work and worry, I forget this.
My childhood was not privileged. It was comfortable, but unremarkable. I didn’t get a lot of things I wanted when I was a kid. But I got (mostly) what I needed. I put myself through college. I made lots of mistakes and figured things out on my own. Life lessons have come to me in so many ways: Having strong legs and a sensitive soul, working too many Sundays to count, a few deeply beautiful friendships, a few superficial friendships, an abusive boyfriend, a deep-hearted and wise boyfriend, traveling to foreign lands, escaping a foreign land in the middle of the night, the love of a dog, running on gravelled trails, being a sponge, smiling instead of screaming, building boundaries, overstepping my own boundaries, library books, watching somebody die, watching somebody be born, sitting in the sun, drunk emailing/texting, telling the truth, and cherishing hope. My life has been full of more good people than bad. I have been given a strong mind and stronger resolve, even when I don’t feel it (which is more often than I like.)
As I move along this road, it’s not always clear where to go or how to get there. Sometimes I’ll stop, bite my lip, evaluate, wonder, and remain in one place too long. That’s when it’s time to stop thinking, to just do. To just let what I’ve already built beneath my feet guide me to where I need to go next. And I am.